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Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything. You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. 01/15/05 - terry from bat cave: how are you 01/14/05 - brittany from humble: Hey its _____. Who are u again....arent you the one that...(mad voice) NEVERMIND JUST LEAVE A DAMN MESSAGE (mummbling ) Beep 01/13/05 - nadine v,21 from melbourne-australia: there's a priest staying over,leave a message as i don't want him to hear me swear to yoi infront of him! 01/04/05 - ERIN from CANADA: Hi, you've reached the sucide hotline, please hold on the line and I'll get some one for you! 12/28/04 - ME from This world: you have reached______ leave your name, number, address, S. #, your credit card number, weight, eye color, height, Sex, date of Birth, and I will get back to you if you answer every one of those questions 12/26/04 - Xantax from Jupiter: Nate ATKINS YOU STUPID FUCK THAT SUCKED 12/24/04 - Sheila & Sarah from here or there: Speak worm! ~ 12/22/04 - k-dot from california: this is you know who, i'm not you know where, but if you leave your you know what, i'll get back to you who knows when 12/19/04 - Brittany from VA: Hey this is _____, I cant come to the phone now cause i am at Wal MArt riding the pink pony so leave me a message and i will call u back when i run out of quarters 12/17/04 - jolly green giant from my house: dude, sorry *busy* leave one and i'll get back to you if i feel like it 12/17/04 - samantha from houston: you've got me, now you know what to do. You're mission, should you choose to accept it, it to leave your name, number, and a brief message after the beep. how are u ,, i want u to leave a message after the beep and ___ will get back to u at anytime of the day , ok , ok CHoa 12/07/04 - (in a sweedin voice) from Sweedin: Hello, my name is _____, ya! I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. 12/01/04 - rahul from YO MOMMA: WHO DA FUKK IS THIS? leave me a message 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: Hey, this is the devil speaking.. 11/13/04 - Ashley from Wa, USA: Hi, you've reached___, the greatest psychic in the world. : im probley here right now but im too busy doin bong hits, eating snacks, and playing video games to answer the phone 11/09/04 - Cassie Kurtz from Traverse City, MI: Hey guys. Were not here at the moment, but you know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it... Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'. Hello, this is John's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. 01/12/05 - david from ohio: this is___, sorry i missed your call, but you won't miss me because nobody cares about me, which is why I'm comitting suicide right now. but if u think you're important enough to call back.. 01/02/05 - sexylady from sumwhere: im having sex call me back when me n you are done. 12/31/04 - Ellissa from Washington: hey im not here if u don't leave a message then u r stupid bc u called for somethin so say wat u wanted and i'll act like i care, bi 12/30/04 - Anna from VA: Hey, this is ______, I am out making changes in my life so if I don't call you back, you're on of those changes. 12/15/04 - Steph from Baltimore: i would answer the phone if i could but obivously i can't so leave i message and i'll think about calling you back! Since I already know who you are and why you've called, at the sound of the beep, you can just hang up. Leave me a message and i'll leave you with and abstract thought. In 1935, Willy Müller invented the world's first automatic answering machine.It was a three-foot-tall machine popular with Orthodox Jews who were forbidden to answer the phone on the Sabbath.After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. so, lea a messeg and we deliver straigt to you pants.Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you I'm sorry, I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother's maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. 01/20/05 - wynand from south africa: mmmm just testing 01/19/05 - BRITT N CASS from THE INTERNET: GOD MAD MUD GOD MADE DIRT GOD MADE BOYS SO I KIN FLIRT!!!In 1971, Phone Mate introduced one of the first commercially viable answering machines, the Model 400.
You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. (Mac Intosh Plus with Mac Intalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. (With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.And if you can make your message rhyme, We'll call you back in half the time!!!!! So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" Hello. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (or) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.